Echoes of Why

Distilling my purpose....

Last Friday night, while spending the evening drinking with the SO, I had a million random thoughts run through my mind. I did not have the laptop with me at his place so I got pen & paper (actually he RAN to get me pen & paper before my head exploded!) and I did it the old-fashioned way. It was a jumbled mess that no sane person could ever make sense of – LOL!!

At 5 am I woke up and started to distill all of those thoughts. Most of them had to do with fine-tuning what I think my purpose is in this life – I have a general idea but am always open to additional clarity so I can indeed find my bliss. (Intermingled with those thoughts were ones that specifically dealt with my new relationship, but I would like to make that a separate post, except for where they pertain to me fulfilling my purpose or following the wind of my Soul.)

It’s already been well-established that my Soul NEEDS TO TEACH!! Lately, I have been feeling that in addition, or in combination with that, I may be a Healing Soul as well. I know that I have been blessed with the gift of insight into other people’s subconscious behavior. I can see where their motivations come from and if I get to know them on a personal level, I can see, at times very clearly, why they function from this place. Sometimes they are not aware of it, as I was not just 8 short years ago - and sometimes they are aware of it. Some may want to change these behavior patterns but do not know how. Some may continue to deny that they have any “issues” from which them need to break free.

Fact:  I seem to attract other “damaged” people into my life. And this is by no means intended to be an insult to them – it is simply a fact. I happen to believe that the most damaged people, myself included, are given the most opportunities to learn and grow – if they are fortunate enough to “wake up”  - either through the help of someone else or on their own.

Another belief I’ve adopted is that people with the most traumatic lives have the most potential – not only for immense growth, but for eventually helping others. I wondered during the barrage of thoughts if Old Souls seek one another out. I believe that Old Souls advance through the necessary levels and stages and learn lessons at lightning (and sometimes insane) speed. The tougher the life, the more opportunities there are to learn.

The question is - can the human subconscious and ego get past the trauma to discover the knowledge that the Soul seeks? Can the damage to the human psyche be healed so the Soul can get on with its purpose? ABSOLUTELY YES!

This is where I come in and where I am coming to the conclusion that my bliss lies.

I think I attract these damaged individuals so that I can help them heal and get on with their purpose. I intuitively (from a place I cannot name) know what their damage is and what they need to do to heal. I used to approach it purely from a psychological perspective. And that still fascinates me beyond words. But lately, especially with people I have a deep connection with - I approach it from a transpersonal perspective – from a Soul-knowledge perspective.

Of course, THEY have to do the necessary work that needs to be done in order to heal the damage – I can only point them in the right direction and be there to support them as they confront their personal demons, move through psychological trauma and peel scabs off old and very deep wounds.

Shadow work is not fun, it is not always pretty, and is often extremely painful. But emerging on the other side of it is liberating beyond description. I had to go through this process alone – I think I needed to go through it alone. Sure, I had friends that I could call for support, to bounce ideas off, shout revelations and discoveries to when remarkable epiphanies occurred, but ultimately, I confronted my demons and damage alone.

There were times when I was reduced to a bawling, slobbering mess curled up in a fetal position on my living room floor (like I said, not always pretty) – but it was absolutely necessary in order to heal, grow, transform and become the person I was meant to be.

My greatest wish would be that no one has to go through it alone. I do not know if I want to help others through their shadow work by being a psychoanalyst though – I’m still working my way through that one because I have my most successful connections and breakthroughs with people I know personally on really deep levels. I do not know how to approach people I do not have that deep connection with. So would I be a successful therapist? And this brings me to what I wrote about at 5 am this past Saturday.

Side note: I would love to one day open a spiritual and psychological healing center with my prime focus being “Damage Control” – (LOL - I love kitschy names!).

I have discovered a warm and nurturing nature inside myself in the past several years that I never knew existed. Friends and family used to tell me I was warm but I never believed them – now I finally get it. When I feel deeply connected to another person (as in: a friend who uses me as their unofficial therapist), I want to protect them, help them heal and find true happiness and inner peace. I want this for everyone on the planet but with my friends, I get to tell them! And I have become quite the “sap” as of late!

The other day, I spent a few hours on the phone with one of my “patients”/girlfriends who has recently begun applying seeds of knowledge I planted 5-6 years ago. Back then, she denied that she had the subconscious demons I told her she did. Today, she recognizes and accepts them and she is learning, growing, transforming and it is amazing to witness! I told her that I wish I could shield her from all the pain that working through these issues can bring. I told her that I believe she and I have are definite Soul Sisters. I spewed (for over an hour) wisdom at her on a really profound level and I had no idea where it came from. THIS is what I need to be doing!

But here’s my current quandary (I will not say ‘question’ because I no longer have questions!): With her and other close friends who know my (ENTJ – The General) personality, I can get away with ‘bitch-slapping’ them into facing the truth in order to stop lying to themselves or simply to understand themselves better. When they need brutal honesty without sugar-coating, they know I’m the girl to go to!

But how do I use this personality successfully as a therapist to strangers? Sure, Dr. Phil can get away with it, but he’s not really doing one-on-one therapy and definitely NOT doing shadow work! I understand that every student I will encounter will learn differently - I understand and respect this. But I do not want to push too hard, but yet some students need just that.

I’m experiencing this with a person who has recently come into my life. I think that he is aware there are issues that need to be dealt with. I find myself tip-toeing and not knowing exactly how to “get in” without pushing too hard. I suppose it is simply because I do not know him well enough – yet. I remind myself to have Faith that I won’t push too hard and alienate him. That, if it is meant to be, I can be 100% ME, be true to my Soul’s purpose, with this personality and with the purest intention of helping and healing, and that he will not only tolerate it but openly embrace it, and grow because of it.

He and my girlfriend I mentioned earlier are my first two experiences with that pure intention. Granted, I still approach it from the perspective of “what can I learn from them?” but a shift has occurred in me where I am more concerned with helping them heal, helping them grow, helping them learn, helping them evolve, helping them awaken the divine within them and BECOME.

Becoming aware of this shift has been a huge epiphany for me! When I conveyed this intention to my girlfriend, it actually brought me to tears – of joy!

At the end of it all, I realize that I am ever-evolving, ever-becoming and it is the most amazing feeling and I am fully embracing it with an open and balanced mind and more importantly, an open and balanced Spirit!

Getting to know me...

These are things that I have learned about my place in this life, at this time:

"Old souls are often hedonistic and sensual, however, and can have a bawdy sense of humor. Old souls are often androgynous (having balanced masculine and feminine characteristics), and occasionally bisexuality is a part of their lifestyle. Gender identification is often weak in this Age because of subconscious contact with the whole psyche, which includes both masculine and feminine characteristics. What the Old soul seeks in romantic relationships is a "soul mate" — someone to whom he relates on a soul level. This might be someone else with whom he has spent many lifetimes, or another soul in his own Entity. The drive for this is so strong that it could be described as a compulsion."

Of the seven roles, or "types" of Souls (Server, Artisan, Warrior, Scholar, Sage, Priest, King) we can be, I am The Priest (highlights in blue are especially true for me):

The Priest Role 

The Priest role is also one of Inspiration, like the Server. But the kind of inspiration for which the Priest is a channel is to lift others up from their lowly condition, to inspire the people of the world to higher aspirations, to provoke people to noble virtues, and to raise the consciousness of mankind. In the Positive Pole of Compassion, the Priest feels sympathy for the psychological suffering in the souls of others, and seeks to alleviate it by encouraging them to find their way out of it.

If not in the actual ministry or priesthood, then another favorite life role that occupies many Priests is psychology, such as in counseling or psychiatry. Here they can apply their natural desire to heal to the task of healing the minds and spirits of their clients. Priests are very big on mental health — happiness, fulfillment, and positive attitude.

All Priests have a feeling that they have a Mission in life — a cosmic or divine Destiny. They sense that they are guided by the hand of God (whether they call It this or not) to show others the way to Truth.

No matter what kind of relationship a Priest is in, he will always desire to heal the mind and spirit of his partner. In this connection, like Servers, Priests often give sex as a healing service. (HeHe)

Priests view the whole world as their congregation. They reach down toward others and offer them illumination. They look up to God for their illumination. Priests are the shepherds of mankind, caring for their flocks, watching over them, helping them to grow to maturity. Their purpose in life is to break bonds and restraints which hold people back from fulfilling their potential. One of their favorite sayings might be, "You can do better than that." Priests point out the path to righteousness, and illumine it with supreme truth. If he is not behind the pulpit, then he is up on his soap box — preaching, exhorting, campaigning, crusading, proselytizing, provoking, and evangelizing.

Another significant factor in the consciousness of Priests is their emphasis on prosperity consciousness. They regard the universe as full to overflowing with the abundance of God. They proclaim that this richness is our natural inheritance — we should claim this plentifulness as our own. There is ample for all, and more, they say.

Like a person with the Goal of Growth, a Priest takes advantage of opportunities for greater experience. He promotes his development or that of others beyond their natural limits. He aspires to higher potentials and ever-increasing progress. Almost as if he was in the Passion Mode, a Priest behaves with freedom of expression and intensity of experience. His life is an open book, and he has a buoyant enthusiasm for life.

Like a Spiritualist, the Priest sees the whole universe as a manifestation of the glory of God, working out a Divine plan, ever evolving to a finer and higher state. He always looks on the bright side, and sees the world as miraculous. He regards every event as a propitious sign from Providence, which is ever looking down on him. With sensitivity and reverence the Priest is heartened and cheered up by events in the world. He is fascinated and awestruck at the wonders he beholds. Everything is an uplifting experience. A number of famous individuals have been or are Priests, and obviously so.

John Calvin (Protestant Reformation), Saint Dominic (founder of Dominican monks), St. Francis of Assisi (Catholic theologian), Joan of Arc, Jesse Jackson (Reverend), Carl Jung (psychologist and mystic), Abraham Maslow (psychologist), Oral Roberts (evangelist), Carl Rogers (psychologist), Martin Luther King, and Fred Rogers (children's TV show host).

The caring and enthusiastic inspiration of the Priest lovingly challenges us to seek fulfillment and evolution in our lives.  Priests have an uncanny way of making us unafraid of the things that scare us, and they help us face our fears with optimism and a greater resolve.  

Priests instinctively feel compassion for others, and this compassion can sometimes be seen as a loving light that seems to radiate from their faces.  When a Priest gazes into your space, it's almost as if they can see into the deepest reaches of your soul; effortlessly reaching inside of you if they wanted, and healing wounds you didn't even realize existed.  Priests seemingly have this natural ability to make connections with people that no other role can emulate.  

Natural healers, Priests have a special gift for channeling huge amounts of healing energy. In this regard, the mere act of being in the presence of a Priest can sometimes be highly therapeutic. Genuinely warm and nurturing, Priests are passionately interested in the spiritual growth of their subjects, and can therefore be masterful in inspiring people to step beyond their own self-imposed limitations to embrace life more fully.  

Priests are naturally at home in front of large groups of people, and can single handedly draw a spellbound crowd into profound levels of emotional awakening.

Overall, Priests are emotional, high spirited, and brimming with energy, and they approach life with determination and purpose.  Priests are truly on a mission. They are usually late to bed and early to rise, and rarely does a day go by when they don't find a way to either improve themselves or the people around them.  This can lead some Priests to become run down from the unwavering intensity of their zeal.  Although they may grow impatient with those who seem hopelessly stuck in the self-inflicted sands of inertia, (I’m working on this one!) the hallmark of the Priest is still compassion, and if we only learn to listen to their healing words and utopian visions, that shining star that has seemed so impossible for us to reach might one day become attainable. 

I am a sponge!

I've only been out of school for 2 days and usually during breaks between semesters, I take 3-4 days to "veg out" and then accomplish my To-Do list. I could have been much worse now since this break is 10 months long :-)

But I'm not. I am more focused than I have ever been - that I can remember. I know that I 'feel' different at this point in my journey. I feel like I am steadily moving forward, learning what I need to and applying that knowledge to my spiritual practice. Funny thing is - I am not even consciously trying. I think that perhaps I have finally evolved to a new stage of development instead of just experiencing states of enlightenment - fully, and naturally, integrating all the wisdom and energy that I have encountered into my life.

There's a strange kind of natural flow to my life right now. I feel super-charged! And I REFUSE to go backward - back to the previous mode of transportation on my journey - where I glean wisdom, put it to use for a little while and then get spiritually constipated. The 3-steps forward, 2-steps back mode - NEVER AGAIN! I am positive, motivated and I have surrounded myself with the same kind of energy in other people. I am meditating (still learning this one), reading and actively evolving. Everything is falling into place perfectly.

So - today's quote that resonated with me when I read it (although credited to Heraclitus, I've also heard it quoted by Marcus Aerelius as well:

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny - it is the light that guides your way." ~ Heraclitus

Onward & Upward....

When the student is ready, the teacher will come...

I've always said that I am a better dance teacher than I am dancer. I'm realizing this phrase applies to my spiritual journey as well. If I am indeed a spiritual succubus, and this describes me pretty well, people come into my life for a short but specific purpose.

I'm realizing that the further I travel, the further I journey, the quicker I learn the lessons that I need to. And though it's sad to experience souls coming and going so quickly, it's uniquely exhiliarating at the same time.

So what do I do if the title statement is true in this case as well as in dancing? The students who may pass thru my experiences may not be ready for me. It's a fact that I've tried to accept lately and it has helped me learn the lesson of "letting go" - NOT something I have EVER been good at.

Doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean that I am not going to try to hold onto something that I should let go of. It doesn't mean that I won't keep pushing the student to learn what they need to. Stubborn, for sure, but I honestly wish every soul could gain enough personal wisdom to be able to find their bliss. And, the Universe knows that I am a Soul that needs a good brick upside the head when I'm not getting the hint that I should just let it go! Sometimes I just don't learn very efficiently - hence, the statement, "I'm a better Teacher than Student".

So much happening at this juncture in my life.

SO much to learn but yet SO much more to teach.

But it can hurt when the student is not ready, for they will exit my life even if the human part of me wants them to stay. 

A new level of understanding?

"The more we resist it, the stronger it gets. Then it undermines our determination, sabotages our choices, and attracts more negative energy."

I was just now reading about the path to inner peace and I think I understand myself a lot more right now. And why now, more than ever, I finally feel that I am moving forward consistently. Instead of the usual 2 steps forward/1 step backward fashion that has been my spiritual evolution thus far. So, what's different now? I have finally embraced my human side, so to speak. I fully embrace my "Dark Night of the Soul".

"Very frequently, the deepest spiritual moments (the ones where we garner a big picture view of how we put shackles around our own progress) happen during moments where we have to confront our deepest fears and inbuilt prejudices, and overcome them in order to step into a new reality. Mystics talk of "the dark night of the soul" as being these kinds of moments."

READ: (borrowed from Life Without Limits website)

The Pollyanna spirituality that has gained a following is an attempt to get around Universal Principles, not a method to apply them.

A person who applies Universal Principles, is one that can maintain their integrity, positive attitude and courage, no matter what circumstances he may encounter and experience.

We are impotent to change what we refuse to acknowledge.
We lack the ability to make intelligent choices, if we refuse to objectively seek out information.
We will ultimately fail to Be positive, to make positive choices and to experience our potential and fulfillment, if we deny, avoid or bury our unpleasant emotions, our unwanted tendencies, our shadow self.

If we can greet our shadow self with understanding and courage, perhaps we will also understand and cease to judge others. And that would create an abundance of positive energy on this planet.

And wandering has led me here - to even more confirmation along the same lines:

"He who knows the Bliss of Brahman (divine consciousness)..does not distress himself with the thought "why did I not do what is good? why did I do what is evil?". Whoever knows this (bliss) regards both of these as Atman (self, soul), indeed he cherishes both as Atman. Such, indeed, is the Upanishad, the secret knowledge of Brahman."

Centering myself

I had forgotten just how much I love MySpace. Most of my friends there are all fellow humans trying to live at a higher level of consciousness. Very wise souls who post the best bulletins.

From these I'm led to many inspirational places. This morning, I'm watching 90 second inspirational videos on You Tube - nothing but soft music and random quotes. Here is my favorite from today's journey:

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart - and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." ~ Anonymous

 

 

I'm listening!

I learned a lot this morning. Thank you!

SOUL FUSION
***************
Infinity
Realized
*
Divinity
Crystalized
*
Brilliance Magnified
*
Illumination Testified
*
Immortality Actualized
*
Gods Glory Personified
*
Perfection Materialized

****************

SOUL FUSION

Full circle.

This is HUGE!

I actually just finished a rough draft, stream-of-consciousness-letter to Dr. Wayne Dyer. My first, best teacher. I've been meaning to write it for 4 years and it was never the right time. With all the changes that have been occurring over the last 2 months, I guess it is finally the right time. I believe I am ready for whatever the next step is.

And the connection to Dr. Dyer was always there - he was the original catalyst on my journey. But, I'm only just now, right now, able to look back over the last 4 years and see how all the wisdom I have now was presented to me back then. But it wasn't the right time. I'm looking back (with full detail, thanks to my funky memory!) and really absorbingthe wisdom, whereas back then, I just read about the wisdom.

So, full circle. I feel like the last 4 years has been one big rubber-band. I slingshot from Soul to Soul, absorbing wisdom. Some I pass but then I fling around again. And it's those Souls that I seem to be learning the most from.

NOT from what they are doing right now, but what they've said or done in my recent past! Isn't that cool shit? God gives us opportunities to learn from people all the time. (Ask an elderly person to tell you something wise!) In my case, I feel like I am being given multiple passes at the same opportunities. Because all of the wisdom was already there (thank God I anally save emails:-)),  it just was not the right time.

___ Just did a Spirit Guide reading (Sonia Choqette was another transitory teacher.) and pulled "New Life - Divine Mother"...

"The wishes, dreams and desires you've carried in your heart are now gestating in the Divine womb and are coming into fruition. Whatever you seek to create, it's happening. The song in your heart will find its voice (WOW!); the poetry will be expressed. Even your professional goals will find a home in which to grow. The Divine Mother, the fertile aspect of the Divine feminine, is gracing your life (GRACE?) right now; and with her influence, your artistic and creative expression comes alive. She's here to loosen things up and get your creative juices flowing (juices - wink). Surrender your mind and and allow your soul to come alive in her embrace (Embrace your Grace?). She is with you, and her influence is powerful. Her message: 'New life is on its way.'"

Ok, so pretty appropriate - it is my energy that pulled that card.So the title "Full Circle" takes on a new purpose. I started this 3 day stream with the TV show Saving Grace. And I'm able to see how everything tied together to get the message from the Divine.

I'll end with this quote (Thx, Brian Johnson!): "Finding the center of strength within ourselves is, in the long run, the best contribution we can make to our fellow men." ~ Rollo May.

This is where I was led...

This is HUGE. Like I said I was at work. I was busy and actually wasn't online when I did have a free minute or two! I was enthralled with reading the literature I received in the mail from the college I want to attend for my PhD (see previous post). I was so excited and had such a feeling of 'oneness' with my journey. With God, you could say. So, I was in the right frame of mind to be 'led' - only I didn't realize it at the time.

Then I got online and pulled up some old correspondence from an interesting person in my life. There was one particular letter from him in response to my frustration with a very judgemental chaplain who was telling gay people they would be condemned to hellfire and eternal damnation. In his letter, he directly referred to Matthew 5:22 in the Bible. I made a note to go and look when I got home.

I got home, (made an after-work drink) and got my Bible out. I couldn't get the gist of that verse so I started off at the beginning of Matthew 5.

Lo and behold, a voice inside said, "You've been led to the beatitudes. Not even knowing if that was correct until I Googled it. I actually remember something from Catholic school!!The further I read, the more meaning I got from every verse. But before I give my interpretation of each, I have to tell you about a short distraction that gave me ideas about my journey...

In this same letter, my pen-pal mentioned that he is an INFP personality type. That made me want to investigate. I found a site that allows you to make a personality profile based on more than just the MBTI. So I played around a bit. I was almost apprehensive to re-take the MBTI test for fear that I would, once again, type as something other than an ENTJ. That was a confusing time in my life and I'm more ME now. So I retook it and thankfully, I still type as an ENTJ, perhaps not as rigid as I used to be. This has relevance to my ideas about the meaning of Matthew 5.

Once I recognized the beatitudes, I stopped and thought about how much I miss just reading the Bible. Screw the fiction book I've got waiting (it's been waiting a long time), this was FUN! I always did enjoy Bible study in the second foster home. AHA - another piece to the puzzle that is ME!

And on we go....

Matthew 5:14-18 -- "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is heaven."

Where to begin! At verse 15, I got distracted by thoughts about the college, the message, and the corresponding psychology behind what I believe to be Soul age (another post). Instantly the MBTI popped into my head and I saw the correlation between that verse and my personality type and that college! I SO belong there! And I WILL get there! Watch me. I'm an ENTJ afterall, when I put my mind to something... and now my Soul??? It's a done deal. Lately I'm flying through completions though. See my post about Mary explaining my speed to me.

WHOA! Deep distraction jumping in here (time for another color change)! LOL - LIVE and in color - evolution, or Soulvolution as I call it, happening right now!

 I just read the verse 'and glorify your Father which is in heaven'. Finally, once and for all, accepting and understanding that Jesus Christ is my Master Teacher. Finding that blog last weekend that put all my beliefs into concise language for me was priceless! This led to a cartharsis of sorts because I can't believe I danced around it for so long. I still do on a 'language' level but I'm getting better. I need to really stop worrying about what other people might think or what their reactions will be and stand up for what I believe and know to be true. Matthew 5 also speaks of this.

I just got distracted thinking about my name. I told Mary about the time I asked to know the name(s) of my Guides and all the Synchronicity around me pointed to the name "Christine". Perhaps I am my best teacher! After finding out my birth father (there's some great genes!) wanted to name me Eunice, I suddenly liked my name! My mother probably had to get physically violent with him to name me what she wanted. I choose to believe (there's that dancing language again) that it was for a reason. 

Next deep thought: Mary told me that perhaps one of my final lessons in this sprint to the finish line  is to start considering what my purpose is in other people's lives. But it still comes back to me. Because when I learn a lesson, I can then teach others. I always said I was a sponge (Mary called me a sucuubus)!

And then she and I 'debate' whether being 'all about me' is a negative thing. The psychologist in me screams, "Narcisist"!! And the analytical side of me is yelling, "ENTJ" - it's all about being The General. And I realize these are just my excuses. If I just let myself feel it, I know it's a positive thing. I'm learning that a lot of what's holding me back on my journey has to do with the way I PERCEIVE things and the constant need to make everything bad or good, black or white. This is a topic I mentioned to the penpal the other day.

Mary has come into my life to remind me NOT to put "spin" on every single thing that happens. Yes, there's meaning behind it and lessons to be learned from everything but don't inject negativity into something completely neutral!

Mary understands these Soul types - the ones who are 'all about me'. She attracts them into her life (she's gotta figure out how I fit into her life - I'm too damn busy with ME) [God, I hope that came across as sarcastic and funny!] because she can keep up with them.  

New deep thought (back to the Bible in a minute or seven): maybe, based on MBTI, I "need" to analyze things in order to evolve? God knows, as crazy as it drives me to not have 'definition' in my life on certain issues, I know it's about the journey not the destination. But it still drives me FREAKIN' BATTY! And I think a part of me needs that for motivation. Afterall, I did ask for an ass-kicker a while back...someone who will motivate me (watch less TV). I wasn't specific on the "how" so I didn't know where it would come from. (Mantra: don't know, don't need to know.) For me and my personality, motivation ALL comes down to stimulation. All facets of my personality have to be satisfied so that I can stay 'in tune' with that part of God in me. The part that talks to me when I'm quiet. (Hard to believe I actually can be quiet,  but only if I'm alone with my thoughts and feelings and the phone doesn't keep ringing at work!)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Onto the whole "Teacher" thing and Matthew 5:14 and 15. I know to the bottom of my Soul  that I was put in (I chose) this lifetime to teach. I'm discovering that I want people to be interested in my journey because perhaps if they can read or hear about their purpose in MY life, they might get clues as to what THEIR true purpose in this lifetime. Perhaps my true purpose is to help other Souls find their true purpose. It's all about reading the clues that are already there - and following where they lead you, and then sharing the message and the lessons learned.

And this led me to think about Dr. Wayne Dyer. The greatest teacher and probably one of the firsts on many levels. (I AM going to write that long-delayed letter to him!) Thoughts went to that college, and the mandatory internship. I thought about ENTJ. I welcome the Soul acknowledgement that I belong in front of a crowd. I haven't made up my mind on it yet, but how cool would it be to do my internship as Wayne Dyer's apprentice? What the hell? Why not? (Do not dare me - DO actually dare me, that ensures I'll do it!) Would that not be an avenue to allow my teaching light to shine? I've got a long way to go, but I feel like I am not meant to "teach" one person at a time. We'll see where what happens....

Taking a break now.

Funny the way the little things work...

I was being led even while I was at work but that's a BIG thing, not for this post.

For the past 3 months I've been thinking that I need to become less addicted to TV - to find a better outlet through which to be "led". In the past, all the Synchronicity in my life has occurred through that medium because I spent a lot of time watching TV and movies.

So anyway, the last 3 weeks I just haven't been interested as much. My DVR is getting full! But I would rather be online learning and being 'led'.

I put that energy out there in my thoughts and I've attracted something into my life to give me exactly what I needed. A distraction of epic proportion!

The Journey continues....

Osmosis

I spent the day today trying to absorb everything that I learned last night. I contacted the writer of the two articles that I linked to yesterday - I want her permission to make a bulletin out of them.

I still had all the windows open from last night when I got up today. I ended up at the website of the college that I am pretty sure I'm going to get my Master's from. I did some research about accreditation and requested information. I knew I was going to have to start looking soon and this just 'fell' into my lap. Meant to be? We'll see...

A Culmination of Events/Conversations with God....

I am seriously freaked out at the moment - in a totally good way. Amazing, spectacular, in awe and mind-blown.

Last night, I was too tired to write at work - I'd worked 6 night shifts in a row with a double thrown in on Friday. I actually fell asleep at the terminal! I figured that my writing wouldn't be the same if I wasn't focused.

So... what I was going to write about was Sunday morning. I've had the weekend without the boys and I did my usual listening to the Universe thing. ...

I'd recently rented a couple of movies from Blockbuster but didn't watch them right away.  The first was The Celestine Prophecy and the second one was Conversations with God.  For some reason or another they sat around for quite a while before I watched them. I would know when the moment was right - a moment where I was open to the Wisdom meant for me.  With my schedule - it could take awhile.

So anyway, I watched the first one a few weeks back and did gain a lot of wisdom. Mostly on how far I've already come. I should have written about that a long time ago - and at the time, the Wisdom seemed HUGE. But in retrospect not so huge, but compared to where it has lead me today -- it doesn't even register on my Richter scale!

So back to yesterday and Conversations with God.  I don't want to get bogged down by going into the details of the wisdom there - but after the movie I called my girlfriend and spewed for over an hour.

I told her about how I've been "incubating" for almost a year now.  I told her about how I'm STARVING for someone JUST to talk to! Someone with things in common with me and understanding about how the Universe works. I specifically talked about my decision to back to school. I asked her opinion on whether recovering from "fucked-up shit" in your past would be a benefit or a detriment to a psychologist/therapist. She said to me that she would MUCH rather talk to someone who has "been-there, done that". 
I also read her something I wrote during the movie (taken from 50 post-it notes)...

"I've spent the last year "fixing" myself.  During this time, I've always thought, "there's something missing" - something I still have to "fix" before I get on with the rest of my life. But thanks the Synchronicity of the last month, I've come to the realization that this "mystery thing" isn't something that needs to be fixed beforehand.  That it will "fix' itself along the way - AS I get on with this portion of my journey."

Ok, fast-forward to about a half hour ago - nothing on TV so I came to the computer.  Hopped on MySpace and saw a blog post from someone I've always enjoyed reading, but this just blew me away!  He wrote a post about negative energy and how "bad' is a part of  "good" and was absolutely brilliant.  It was so in tune with what I say all the time.  So, I called my girlfriend again to share it with her.  And I read the following paragraph for the first time on the phone with her:

Some people think they'd better wait until they've "perfected" themselves before they offer their own teaching and gifts to the world.  But often the best teaching is showing the world your own 'problems', and how you're transforming them in each moment.  This is being a living teacher, instead of a signpost.

I have no doubt that this was MEANT for me. WOW!

But now, I'm wondering... I know, I know - quit thinking! I try - although another friend's come-back to my saying that was , "does a bear shit in the woods?"...

My old counselor from years ago always told me I didn't NEED to go back to school to do what I'm supposed to do. And now that I've actually got the paperwork in order for going back to school - what does this mean? Should I not get the Psychology degree and be a 'signpost'? And if not....

Where's the road leading to me being a "living teacher" -point me in the right direction! I don't mind stumbling - I'll eventually find my way.

Now, I'm about to go off and locate that travel guide named "Carrot Wax" over at MySpace......

Reasons...

Layin' here thinkin' - my form of meditation.

I know, absolutely, without a doubt, that some people come into my life to help ME.

I know as absolutely, that some people come into my life for me to help them.

Whether they listen or not - that's up to their own free will.

Right now, I'm trying to figure a way to approach one of those that just doesn't know it yet - that I can help. Perhaps, they don't think they need help - but I doubt it really.

Free will or not, I wish them every happiness in the world and hope that they get to where I know they belong - if that makes sense at all.

(Needing the warmth after working more hours this week than I have in a while. "Love is the Answer" playing on the radio before I got out of the car.)

Thank you...

I've been carrying my "thank you" stone around in my pocket for almost a week now. Yesterday I had a hard time finding things to say "thank you" for when I touched it. I was in need of some serious "centering". Tonight I found it.

I am so grateful for MySpace. I have found so many people that I can relate to - other Souls following the same path and on the same journey.

So much of my life I felt like an "outsider" and "weird" - qualities I've actually grown to love about myself - but I also felt very much alone.

No longer.

I'm so inspired!

I'm so INSPIRED! And I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I LIKE it! Whohoo - I'm having so much fun right now. You won't get it just yet, but I just stubbed my toe on a beautiful polished stone laying on my living room carpet. Synchronistically speaking - it's huge - so obvious that it's hilarious. When these events (more on the previous ones of the morning later) happen this much, this fast it's AMAZING! And I'm NOT going to "THINK"!!!! When I'm "ON" I'm "ON" - and DON'T NOBODY GO NEAR ANY FREAKIN' SWITCHES!!!!

I think my Soul has all the knowledge.

This was going to be something different - and I might still get there. But for now, I'm just going to write (and remind myself that even the typos could mean something).  I am not going to think - just write.

Because when I write I feel like I'm gone - "I" "ME" "Ego" "consciousness" - gone. Hard to describe.

I feel like I am tapping into something so natural, so a part of me. I don't think I'm 'channeling' in any way - unless it's myself - that sounds really weird.

Remember when I asked the Universe to tell me the name of one of my guides. What did I get back? "CHRISTINE" --- over and over and over again. So I'm wondering - am I (no ego) my own best TEACHER? My own best GUIDE.

Very interesting - especially because I hold the belief that my Soul chose this life - every bit of it - to get me to the step in the evolution of my Soul.  It is up to me (ego and consciousness) exactly how far I'll evolve. But therein lies a query, (not really for my mind but a possible reaction for others) - isn't EVERYTHING that happens to you in this life YOUR CHOICE? And...

IS THAT A GOOD THING OR BAD THING?

A good description..numerology

I found this on Crystalinks.com:

When you see a repetition of numbers, your DNA is being activated on some level. You are remembering that that you are now returning to higher frequency vibration also called the return of the Feminine Energies - Rebirth - Christ Consciousness - Return of Jesus or another Savior - Evolution of Consciousness into total awareness - and so on. Many believe awakening comes through healing and the creation of balance.

You will experience a sudden awakening after which reality is never the same. You are going to create clarity, healing and balance for yourself. Do not expect others in your life to be on this journey with you. It is yours alone as it is for most souls. You will have to seek new friends of like mind who are also being triggered by the digits. Once you open the Digital Door - there is no going back. Your soul will automatically and quickly move you from level to level of experience until you 'get it'. Your consciousness is expanding and therefore you will - manifest faster and with greater comprehension - becoming more aware of the meaning of synchronicities that will become more and more frequent. They are created by your soul to help you remember that you are a soul spark in a physical program that is about to end - evolve back to higher consciousness.

That one line describes exactly what happened to me in 2003. I have grown by giant leaps. And I am a spiritual sponge - give me all the wisdom I need to become an instrument of healing for others.

It's interesting how every 12 years I have had a life-changing experience. The number 12 occurs everywhere in nature - Fibonacci numbers - 12 disciples of Jesus - 12=1+2=3=-manifestation in third dimension, the physical realms. Sacred Geometry. I believe at these times, God picked me up and set me on my path.

More numerology: My "messages" almost always come in threes: 12=1+2=3

There is an ancient wisdom that's says; 'Messages or events that come in three's are worth noticing. 'Whenever anything is mentioned three times it is a witness to us that these things are of utmost importance.

12 is a higher octave of the number three and is an indicator of great understanding and wisdom. Much of its knowledge is gleaned from life experiences which enables a sense of calm to prevail in even the most turbulent of situations. Twelve is significant in ancient man¹s life because there were twelve tribes in Israel, twelve disciples followed Jesus, there are twelve astrological signs in the zodiac, there are twelve months in the year, and our modern clock is divided into two groups of twelve hours. It is considered to be the ancient number of completion as it signals the end of childhood and the beginning stages of adulthood. Additionally, the ancient numbering and measuring systems are based on this number, as evidenced by terms such as a dozen (12), a gross (12 times 12), a shilling (12 pence) and a foot (12 inches).

Twelve indicates God working in the world through man as in the twelve tribes of Israel and twelve apostles.

Every culture and religion references the number 12.

Today's Spirit Guide

I woke up feeling energized and ready to conquer the world. I am going to start writing seriously today. I drew this Spirit Guide card:

New Life/Divine Mother:

Whatever you seek to create, it's happening. The song in your heart will find its voice; the poetry will be expressed. Even your professional goals will find a home in which to grow. The Divine Mother, the fertile aspect of the Divine feminine, is gracing your life right now, and with her influence, yor artistic and creative expression comes alive. If you've been feeling sterile, stagnant, and too controlled, she's here to loosen things up and get your creative juices flowing. Surrender your mind and allow your Soul to come alive in her embrace. She is with you, and her influence is powerful. Her message: "New life is on its way".

Another theory...

In addition to whatever subconscious behavior I may still have, I also think I feel tremendous guilt. And I really can't put a finger on what it is about exactly. If it's from this lifetime, it's to do with financial matters - namely the situation I left my ex-husband in after our divorce. Which was not malicious at all, but I still feel guilty. I think that is just one thing that keeps me struggling financially. Bits of things always come thru to save my butt, but it's always been a struggle. It's seems to be a hump I can't get over.

My friend's mother (who knows that her and I have met before) told me I need hypnosis. That was before she knew me - I met her last summer and she said it as soon as she saw me. It was a "freaky" thing.

I was checking stats on this blog today and clicked on a link that came up. It had to do with hypnosis (but for finding your soulmate).

Interesting....

Strange things are afoot!

I just happened to run across John Edward on TV tonite. There have been more than a few references to him this past 2 weeks. And a commercial for a show about 4 boys studying to be priests. An e-mail from the "Become a Life Coach" people. Email communication with a minister. An episode of Biography about Chris Farley - low self-esteem and addictive personality.

Today starts with getting my messages for my home phone, which I rarely do. The first message was from my first foster mother. I had sent a Christmas card with a note stating that I'd like to bring my kids out to the house where I grew up. Now that it's finally going to happen  - I'm questioning my motives. Is going back really for that reason? Or is it just me - needing closure and not wanting to let go.

My heart wants to thank them. For all the little things.. doing math flashcards with me, dumb things like that..and for the big things. My ego? wants to tell them how amazing life is and tell them a bit about my journey. And I think my subconscious little girl? wants to tell them how they could have helped back then. But that's a fairly easy one to argue. I KNOW that everything happens just as it should. That I needed to experience everything - every horror, every joy - in order to become who I am today and to learn the lessons that I needed to.

I want to tell them all about what traits my 3 boys inherited - good and bad. That should get more than a couple laughs!

I returned her call and left a message. Why was I so nervous? Is it still that little girl that wants to get everyone's approval in order to be loved? Eric once said to me that I always seems like I'm trying to "measure up". I argued with him of course! But I wonder if you truly ever get rid of your subconscious scars. Even though you're aware of the behaviors that feed them, you still function from there sometimes. But is it necessarily unhealthy? I do keep repeating to myself, "how does it affect the rest of your life?".  That keeps me grounded at least.

The past - Easter weekend 4 years ago I thought my life was over. It was my lowest moment. And God, how far I've come. I'm thinking of copying that whole saga, straight from my journals, into this blog. That should make me laugh!