Echoes of Why

The past revisited...

Thursday night at work, I was going thru the list of patients having bloodwork the next morning and recognized the name of my first foster mother. She was anemic and needed transfusions. I drew her blood at 5am and she recognized me when I said "hi". I had talked to her on the phone last summer but I had not seen her since 1991.

I've recently written about wanting to visit her and her husband to thank them for all they did for me as a little girl. And to tell her that I finally understand myself and what she was dealing with. And that, more than anything, I wouldn't change one single, solitary thing about my life. My old counselor thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons but I truly do not feel there are any subconscious motivations here (and I'm pretty good at recognizing those). Me being me, I procrastinated about contacting her even after having a dream that I wouldn't get the chance. Thankfully, the chance fell into my lap.

I told her that I would stop in and visit before I started work Saturday night. I did and we had a nice talk. She thought it was funny to tell the nurse in the room that as a 3 year old I used to go up to men and list my skirt and ask for money! Gee, I learned a lot from my birth parents ;-) I remember doing that too - especially for pennies to put in the gumball machines!

We laughed about that one. We chatted about night shift, I told her I mostly do homework and that I am in school to be a Psychologist. She said "oh good, they need them out there" - meaning the kids who are in the foster care system. I'm still not sure I want to work with the kids though - that direction has yet to be determined.

She told me that I always gave the teachers a hard time in school. I told her that hasn't changed one bit! I told her to thank her husband for doing math flashcards with me every night and how that instilled a love of math. And that my brain was the only positive piece of self esteem I had as a child and I said 'thanks' for nurturing that. I also told her exactly how smart I am and she said my problem when I was a child was that I was too damn smart for my own good. I told her that my mouth always got me into trouble and it still does!

I told her I wished I had stuck with all the dance lessons she gave me as a kid. That it took ballroom dancing lessons in 1995 for me to discover just how huge a part dance plays in my life. That is literally changed my world. I told her I teach and I love it.

I told her that I was sorry I was such a messed up kid - that I wished "they" had known about childhood depression back then. I explained how it took me until the age of 30 to realize who I was and what makes me happy. And that I'm happier than I ever imagined possible. I showed her pictures of the boys.

We talked a bit about my birth family and her kids. She was missing her granddaughter's wedding reception as we spoke. I am off work today, but if she is still in-house tomorrow, I will stop in and see her.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to express my gratitude to her. I feel truly at peace with that part of my life. In a way, this opportunity allowed me to thank God for giving me that part of my life. I truly believe it happened just as it should have.

A new Myers-Briggs type? ENTP

I have taken a hundred or so different typology tests lately and I always come up as an ENTJ - understandable and cool in its own right. But, I stumbled upon this site and that blog (thanks to Anderson Cooper - my Gemini brother!) and ended up finding a typology that sounds an awful like the person I am when I'm meditating and listening to my Soul. All I can say is "WOW" and that this is the typology I need to live from all the time! Because, alas, in real life - my "J" always gets me in trouble!

Here are some highlights of this new type ENTP (who my new best friend Mary just happens to type as - very interesting!):

"Clever" is the word that perhaps describes ENTPs best. The professor who juggles half a dozen ideas for research papers and grant proposals in his mind while giving a highly entertaining lecture on an abstruse subject is a classic example of the type. So is the stand-up comedian whose lampoons are not only funny, but incisively accurate. SO ME!

ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills. They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil's advocate. They sometimes confuse, even inadvertently hurt, those who don't understand or accept the concept of argument as a sport. TRUE!

ENTPs are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. This can take the form of getting found out at "sharp practice"--ENTPs have been known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it's expedient (ask my boss!) -- or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act. Both at work and at home, ENTPs are very fond of "toys"--physical or intellectual, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly, however, and move on to new ones. It's called boredom, duh!

ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it?), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determin- ation.) ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. Got in trouble for this at work last week! However, they do tend to be extremely genial, if not charming, when not being harassed by life in general.

In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and, initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. Some appear to be deceptively offhand with their nearest and dearest; others are so demonstrative that they succeed in shocking co-workers who've only seen their professional side. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience -- good, bad, or potential. (Mary would agree with this completely - but it's NOT a bad thing!)

---

A Functional Analysis-- by Joe Butt

Extraverted iNtuition

ENTPs are nothing if not unique. Brave new associations flow freely from the unconscious into the world of the living. Making, discovering and developing connections between and among two or more of anything is virtually automatic. Did I read that RIGHT? Me? Nyah - LMFAO! The product of intuition is merely an icon of process; ENTPs are in the business of change, improvement, experimentation. LOL!

The attraction Extraverted iNtuition has toward the real and physical amounts to a cosmic non sequitur: theory is drawn to practice. Such encounters are clearly puzzling. Both parties--the intuitor and the realist--are aware of a xenic quality in their meeting, with reactions ranging from recoil to reverie. See my previous posts about my old internal battle that I WON! **blowing raspberries**!

Introverted Thinking

Thinking is iNtuition's ready assistant, an embodiment of the sort of logic found in laws, boards and circuits. Thinking's job is to lend focus and direction to iNtuition's critical mass. The temporary habitations of changeling iNtuition are constructed of Boolean materials from Thinking's storehouse. Ultimately, Thinking is no match for iNtuition's prodigiousness. Systems lie in various states of disarray, fragmentary traces of Thinking's feverish attempts to shadow and undergird the leaps of the dominant function. Well shit, maybe the battle isn't over! One can only suppose that Thinking must continue to work during REM sleep pulling together iNtuition's brainchildren into integral wholes. Dreaming is the only thing that scares me but I KNOW I need to do it.

Extraverted Feeling

To the extent that Feeling is developed, ENTPs extravert Feeling judgment. As a result, it is not uncommon to find affability and bonhomie in members of this species. Tertiary functions are potentially utilitarian. Their limitations appear in their relative underdevelopment, diminished endurance, and vulnerability. ENTPs may harness Feeling's good will in areas such as sales, service, drama, humor and art. ENTP loyalty often runs high and can be hooked by those the ENTP counts as friends. Succubus - LOL!

Introverted Sensing

Like a tail on the kite of iNtuition, Introverted Sensing counterweighs these beings drawn to nonconformity and anarchy. These shadowy sensory forms, so familiar to SJ types, serve as lodestones which many ENTPs employ Herculean measures to escape. "Question authority! (then do exactly what it tells you)" sums up the dilemma in which ENTPs may find themselves by attempting to best the tarbaby Sensing. Occasionally acknowledging awareness of norms and abnormality could, in theory, be potentially freeing.

Additionally, I've noticed that ENTPs have the need to have areas of expertise/excellence/uniqueness in which one is second to none. I've never beaten an ENTP at his/her own game--not in the final analysis. ROFLMFAO!

ENTJ - this is interesting...

"Sexually, the ENTJ is robust, imaginative and enthusiastic. Their natural instinct to lead will be apparent in this arena as well as other areas of life, and they will lead their partner on creative lovemaking adventures, where the focus is on mutual learning and affection sharing. They're likely to expect sex on a relatively scheduled basis."

VERY TRUE!! This is one area where my creativity really comes alive and I nurture that, trust me!

ENTJ Personality type on Personal Growth..

There were few items on the list that I didn't say "yep" to here. My weaknesses - it all makes sense. I've worked on a lot of them and think I am in the process of balancing my Introverted Intuition with my Extraverted Thinking. It's why I cherish my alone time - my meditative time. Synchronicity helps me a great deal with that! I'm definitely working on the Judging think and learning how to see other people's views and accept the differences. There is a ton of wisdom in these words about my personal growth journey.

What does Success mean to an ENTJ?

ENTJ people are realists, in the most basic sense of the word. Not only because their thinking is based upon a clear view of how things actually are in the world around them, but also because their ideas and strategies are structured around those unambiguous, “down to earth”, commonsense beliefs which sum up the obvious and undeniable in life. But while ENTJ’s might be pragmatic about the immediate situation before them, they are scarcely satisfied with it until it can be made more productive, useful or valuable. The ENTJ’s reasoning on such matters is always clear and generally unemotional. If action can improve an item or a situation then it ought to be taken, and the ENTJ will always be found in the midst of such action, organizing, planning and leading the way forward until the best result possible has been realized. This makes success for an ENTJ something that can be clearly seen, a real world result which can be measured. And whether measured in dollars, bricks, bread or just happy people, the successful ENTJ knows the result is due to their belief that it is just plain commonsense to try and make the best of every situation and get the most out if it for the most people. 

Allowing Your ENTJ Strengths to Flourish

As an ENTJ, you have gifts that are specific to your personality type that aren't natural strengths for other types. By recognizing your special gifts and encouraging their growth and development, you will more readily see your place in the world, and be more content with your role. Nearly all ENTJs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:

·        Able to cut straight to the chase in any situation and not be sidetracked by non-essential issues.

·        A propensity for leadership which follows naturally from their ability to control and manage real time/real world situations.

·        A talent for factual analysis unbiased by prejudice or emotion.

·        A “can do” approach to life which makes the working environment a positive place for them.

·        A strong regard for positive social and economic institutions, structure and government.

·        Second to none time and space management skills, everything organized and in its place.

·        Able to constantly synthesize and adapt new ideas and concepts into strategies for business, social, financial or environmental development.

ENTJ’s who have a well-developed Introverted Intuitive function to complement their dominant Extraverted Thinking will enjoy these very special gifts:

·        A talent for creating great benefits through the addressing of social justice issues.

·        The ability to recognize and mediate their potentials in accord with the expectations of others.

·        An approach to life which includes an awareness of the differences between their needs and those of others.

·        Able to know when to stop and take stock of life and recognize the qualities of the moment.

·        A talent for showing others the way to get past difficulties in their outer life

·        A broadening of their own ambitions which includes rather than excludes others from the decision making and the benefits which flow from their achievement.

Potential Problem Areas

With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. Without "bad", there would be no "good". Without "difficult", there would be no "easy". We value our strengths, but we often curse and ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.

ENTJ’s are strong, right minded and rational people. This should be kept in mind as you read some of the more negative material about ENTJ weaknesses. These weaknesses are natural. We offer this information to enact positive change, rather than as blatant criticism.

Most of the weaker characteristics in the ENTJ stem from their dominant Extraverted Thinking function overtaking their personality, stifling the natural expression and balancing value of the other personality functions. In such cases, an ENTJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

·        May be unable to understand other people’s needs where these differ from their own.

·        May unwisely assume their ideas are the only right ones and are therefore being fully implemented by others.

·        May become childishly petulant or angered when confronted by situations which require feeling judgments.

·        May become so engrossed in a plan or ambition that personal needs and the needs of others are forgotten.

·        May take every decision not made in agreement with their rational beliefs as a personal rejection.

·        May be easily taken in or manipulated by others via agreement with their rational attitudes.

·        May become obsessed with small obstructions and difficulties to the point where the overall plan is forgotten

·        May believe natural limitations are actually ailments which ought to be eradicated

·        May assume others are ever plotting against them.

·        May  believe only their own view of the world or a situation is correct, even to the point that they make it into a kind of dogma which must be followed by those around them.

Explanation of Problems

Most of the problems described above can be seen as a direct result of a too dominant Extraverted Thinking function ruling the personality. In most cases this is exactly what is happening, but it is also worth recognizing that some of the weaknesses in the ENTJ’s personality that are more apparent to other Types, flow not so much from the excesses of the ENTJ’s dominant function, but from the natural inferiority of their feeling function and its lack of adaptation. We must also recognize that the level of expression of all functions in all people is variable and that some of the problems discussed here apply only to strongly expressing ENTJ’s, where the attitude which flows from using Extraverted Thinking exclusively to guide them through life creates its own particular problems.

The over dominance of Extraverted Thinking leads to an intensely intellectual way of seeing the world, where values such as right and wrong, good and bad, useful and useless are judged only by their applicability to an almost mathematically exact - and to the ENTJ - always rational, attitude to life. Without the balance provided by other ways of seeing or judging, the ENTJ is unable to account for actions based upon the inner views or feeling behavior of others, hence such things are always judged negatively, either as irrelevant - or at best - as being of small consequence. Additionally, with their thinking attitude always turned outward and totally subject to the world beyond their senses, without the balance of some internally felt objectivity the ENTJ will often follow their ideas and ambitions without consideration for their own physical and emotional needs. Indeed, the ENTJ often feels that if only his project, his work, his outer reality would just fall into line with his own rational views then all would be well within his world and all his needs would be met. Unfortunately such an attitude can never be satisfied, for the world is not only rational, but also full of situations and human behavior which must be appreciated and understood by quite different, and again - to the ENTJ – often seemingly absurd criteria.  

A healthy personality needs to have a good balance between its dominant and auxiliary functions. For an ENTJ, dominant Extraverted Thinking needs to be well-supported by their auxiliary Introverted Intuitive function. If Introverted Intuition exists only to support the intellectual rationale created by Extraverted Thinking, then neither function is being used to its full potential.

Introverted Intuition is the ENTJ’s access to their inner world, to the information that could tell them how the world is affecting them. Because it is introverted, its images arise from the subjective depths of the mind, and contain all that the ENTJ has not considered within their strictly rational and object oriented view of the world. Introverted Intuition provides the personally biased information the ENTJ needs to balance this world view and protect the ENTJ from being totally swallowed up by their selfless and yet single minded attachment to facts, figures and a rationale they accept only from the world outside themselves. Because this inner information is often opposed to the ENTJ’s strongly held ideas it is often rejected, or if accepted, turned outward to make negative judgments about external situations or the behavior of others, rather than seen as a corrective balance to the ENTJ’s own attitudes and behavior.

Solutions

To grow as an individual, the ENTJ needs to recognize the role Intuition plays in their life, and learn to understand its language. In particular the ENTJ needs to realize that their intuitive function is not directed outward to the world, that its images are personal, subjective and relate directly to the way the ENTJ’s inner self is being affected by both the outside world and their own behavior.

Introverted Intuition is not an obvious process to understand, and quite unlike the rational, straightforward thinking the ENTJ is used to. Nevertheless, if understood and fully utilized to support thinking, it can make the ENTJ the most outwardly effective and productive of all the personality types. For this reason it is essential to allow this gift to become what it can be, rather than limiting its talents and allowing it only to speak when it seems to agree with the ENTJ’s outwardly focused thinking. Below are a few specific suggestions to help you apply Introverted Intuition.

·        When confronted by a situation which requires an important decision, try to put it off for long enough to be able to sit quietly with it. In doing so allow yourself to feel and see the images which arise in your mind regarding this situation. Try to set aside those which appear immediately as the products of your own beliefs and thinking, and regard the others closely. If these images and ideas were the opinions of people whose judgment you trusted implicitly, try to question them in your mind and find the reasons why they consider things in such a way.

·        There are some people around you who always seem to know just which way to go or how things work or what the outcome of a certain situation will be without them seeming to have sufficient information to be able to do so. These people are intuitive types and their world is full of possibilities which they can immediately recognize as apt to certain situations. You also have this talent, but you have a habit of not following it, rather you prefer to think it out and find the options which “ought” to be correct. I placed ought in quotes for a very good reason here, for you know yourself how often things have developed in the direction you had an inkling of, but refused to accept without thinking. Try to let these immediate impressions have their moment and recognize them as true possibilities which ought to be examined more closely. Understand that they are not baseless images and ideas but rely upon valid sources of information which you simply screen out of your life by habit. 

Living Happily in our World as an ENTJ

Some ENTJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are generally associated with a strongly dogmatic and overly rational approach to life, coupled with an almost total lack of ability to understand the needs of others. Where such a strongly expressing difficulty arises, the ENTJ finds themselves constantly embattled by a world which refuses to conform to their ideals and creates situations in which the ENTJ is out of their depth. Such situations are often met by the ENTJ with such a childish emotionality that others are put off and isolate the ENTJ emotionally. Such ENTJ’s often find themselves without friends, and with business partners or employees who are unwilling to engage the ENTJ upon any matter other than strictly task related questions. Such behavior in others only serves to bring out underlying sentiments in the ENTJ which, via their badly adapted intuitive function, speak to them of plots, nastiness and covert obstructive behavior on the part of others. Suffice to say, such suspicions and childish sentiments coupled with dogmatic demands to conform to the ENTJ’s own way of seeing the world can soon destroy families and close relationships.

It is incumbent upon the ENTJ to break the circle of such behavior by allowing their Introverted Intuition a place in their life. Through attention to this function the ENTJ can discover a path to understanding and recognizing the effects not only their own behavior has upon others, but also the greater possibilities which lie within themselves for not only a harmonious relationship with others, but also a greater sense of what might be best for themselves.

Understanding the feeling needs and judgments of others is not an easy task for the ENTJ, but through their Intuitive function they can find images and ideas which - whilst not speaking directly to the feeling judgments of others – might allow them to see outside the strictly rational circle of their world view in such a way as to recognize that there is indeed a different perspective which must be taken account of.

Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve ENTJ Success

1.     Feed Your Strengths! Give yourself every opportunity to show others your appreciation of a situation and how you could see it through to a good outcome. Take charge where you can make it count.

2.     Face Your Weaknesses! Understand you have limits too. Your careful world view is not the whole deal. How things look and feel may not concern you, but they concern many others. Try and allow such things to be and learn from them.

3.     Talk Time to Find Out How Others Really Think. You need to drive past your thoughts with others and let their appreciations of a situation reach you at a deeper level. It will then be possible for you to take account of their needs as real world objectives which if included in your ideas will bring greater harmony and quality to life and relationships.

4.      Take Time Out To Let The Whole Situation Speak To You. Don't dismiss those abstract and seemingly hard to understand or bothersome aesthetic and feeling judgments coming from others or from inside yourself. Drop everything for a while, stop thinking and worrying and just relax into those ideas and let them speak to you. Perhaps they can be accommodated, perhaps something is hiding in there which offers a new way

5.     When You Get Upset, You Lose. Your energy and rational understandings are strong assets, but can be very harmful if they turn against you and leave you with nothing but emotions you cannot deal with. Remember that others cannot always be expected to fall into your ways of seeing, and when your drive to make them do so fails you will suffer feelings of resentment and even abandonment. You cannot deal with the world like this. Moderate your ideas, allow others their spaces, and you will grow.

6.      Respect your Need for Intellectual Compatibility Don't expect yourself to be a "touchy-feely" or "warm-fuzzy" person. Realize that your most ardent bonds with others will start with the head, rather than the heart. Be aware of other's emotional needs, and express your genuine love and respect for them in terms that are real to YOU. Be yourself.

7.     Be Accountable for Yourself. Don't blame the problems in your life on other people. Look inwardly for solutions. No one has more control over your life than you have.

8.     Be Humble. Judge yourself at least as harshly as you judge others.

9.     Take a Positive Approach to Differences in People. Don't distress yourself and others by dwelling on what seem to be their limitations. They need you to guide them and you need them to see things through. Try and recognize who can perform the most ably within certain fields outside your own competence. Let the feelings of others become a strength rather than a hindrance to you.

10. Don't Get Obsessed! Recognize the value that personal world has to you, your friends, your family, your own inner selnse of self worth and life. Take pride in just being a good person and don’t allow external situations to control you. Try to relax and let the moment belong to the best things you can find in others and yourself. Nothing out there is more important than your own happiness.

Finding my calling...

I'm really enjoying my Crisis Intervention class. It's almost finals week and I wish there were a second level class to accompany it because we didn't discuss half the good stuff in the book!

Since Week 1, I've had the feeling that Crisis Intervention would be something that I could be very good at. But at that time, I considered it more of a distraction from my private practice clinical counseling path.

But now... I'm wondering if Crisis Intervention is supposed to be my path. I know to the bottom of my Soul that I'm supposed to help people heal themselves psychologically, I just never really knew how - my goals were always so scattered.

I don't yet know which area of this I should focus on but today I read an interesting article about CISD - Critical Incident Stress Debriefing. This is not meant as a therapeutic approach but as a tool to prevent the need for crisis intervention after a critical incident and to assess people to see if they need further help. And it is geared toward helping those that help the victims.

Healthcare workers at a hospital treating patients with SARS; EMT first responders; disaster workers; the healthcare workers from New York on 9/11.

So - why would I be good at this? Many years ago, my career counselor told me I should work for FEMA - as in be in charge of it! And my Psych profile spells that out. I thrive under pressure. I know how to assess a stressful situation, figure out what needs to be done and either get it done or delegate to get it done. I have the ability to remove the emotional part of the crisis and look at it objectively and logically (sometimes this makes me seem cold and impersonal, but I'm not).

I actually did look into it - it would have taken to long to climb the ranks. And then Hurricane Katrina happened and I wanted to scream at the incompetence!

Another reason? I have a natural gift of being able to just talk to people and get them to open up. I'm very grateful for it too. I've been told that I am very easy to be comfortable around because I'm so laid back. I would not talk to these people like a Psychologist - I would just be me. And I think that is what makes people feel comfortable.

So, we'll see where this path leads, but this is a good kind of feeling for me. Because I'm trusting the Universe - it hasn't EVER led me astray or wrong. THAT is a great feeling.

I get my best thoughts in the bathroom!

I've always said this - and I think that a big part of that is the fact that the bathroom is where I can talk to myself in the mirror - and it's impossible to lie. Brutal honest truth.

So, just now - I was completely honest with myself about why I feel like I do right now. And why I'm going through what I am. Here's what I said:

"Truth be told, there's still a part of you that longs for people's approval. There's still a deep 'need' to impress people."

To which I responded: 

"I understand that part. Consciously, logically, psychologically - I understand that part of me  - but I FUCKING hate it! I've worked too hard to "emerge" on the other side of low self-esteem, there's a HUGE part of me screaming, "YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO IMPRESS PEOPLE OR GAIN THEIR ACCEPTANCE BECAUSE YOU DO IT NATURALLY!!!!"

I understand that it's just the damaged little girl who had her ego so scarred  , she will never truly recover. But I"ll be damned if I'm destined to repeat the same old, tired mistakes! At least now, I can see them coming before I react - probably badly.

And this brings me to what will become my doctoral thesis, in one form or another...

Programming - psychological programming - just how deep does it go? Do those motivations ever truly go away? Does the age that the damage happen matter? Does one incident of damage early in life open a person up for more damage later? This goes hand-in-hand with the whole "cult" phenomenon. Probably why I've been obsessed with Charlie Manson my entire life!

Most of what I'm feeling right now is coming from that part of me - and I AM going to blame it on hormones. It's the 16th day of not being on The Pill!!

Stuff and more stuff (an uncomfortable post).

This weekend has been my first opportunity for "ME" time. I've spent last night and today connecting with the Universe - looking for direction.

A lot has happened in the past 4 months. I've avoided writing about it but now I can't.

Recall that the Universe always finds a way to give you the answers you seek - and it knows exactly the best way in which to do that. For me, I watch movies so I get my answers (and sometimes a lot of questions) through "messages" from the movies - I know, it sounds schizoid - but it's really metaphysical.

So anyway, in the past I've always known by movie #2 in a sitting that something is going to "speak" to me because both the first and second movies will have a common actor (or two) - completely not planned on my part - I could care less who's in a movie really.

One of my favorite movies is "13 going on 30" - in that movie I was 'directed' to the song by Billy Joel "Vienna" - I think I've written about how significant those lyrics and the meaning has become in my life.

Today, my first movie was "The Darwin Awards". I had no idea what it was even about when I popped it in. In one of the first scenes, there's  a song playing with lyrics such as "I wanna change. You know who you are". So I got up and Googled the soundtrack for the movie and GUESSwhat song is on there!! YEP - "Vienna" by Billy Joel.

So, yes it could be a coincidence that I watch sappy, change-your-life movies and that's a common song about that theme. But I chose to NOT believe in coincidence and that choice has benefited me immensely in my recent life. Do not ignore your intuition - EVER! It really is a gift.

Now onto the reason that the song lyrics touched me. I've just recently learned that old demons I had long laid to rest have really only been in hiding. It's really only one issue but it's a big one and I will NOT let it control me ever again! Thus the "seeking" for answers and strength.

What issue, you ask? That would be low self-esteem. Something I felt I had conquered this monster but I'm now wondering if it's really ever able to be conquered - to be completely vanquished. After all, it took a lifetime of shit to form the irrational way of thinking, why wouldn't it be strong? Yes, you can break bad habits and behaviors - and I've done that for sure. But it really surprised me when I found myself feeling anxious when I thought about re-joining the world and getting a social life again.

(My doctoral thesis is going to deal with how deep this programming can be in the subconscious mind and how and IF we can ever truly get rid of it completely.)

I've pretty much been in seclusion for the past 2-3 years. Prior to that, I had been for another 2 years. In 2005, I came out of my hole for one year then slowly lost contact with friends and acquaintances and pretty much went back into my hole. It's not like I haven't been living - I'm back in school, still work mostly night shift at the hospital and spend a great deal of time online with friends. I also raise 3 sons and still run the business.  I just haven't been out in a social setting around strangers for a long time (toy parties are different because I'm in charge). So, the question became the song lyrics from "Vienna" - "well, if you're so smart, tell me why are still so afraid?

My conclusion is that it's still hard to get rid of that little girl inside that needs everyone's approval and acceptance. I would never label myself with low self-esteem. I have pretty healthy self-esteem actually and even more so now. I would never live my life based on what someone else wanted me to be or do! EVER! So it really threw me for a loop when I realized this part of my subconscious wants back in to make conscious choices based on irrational thoughts.

And finally, why has all this surfaced now? Because for the past 5 years, I've laid on my couch, eaten and gained weight. 3 years I ago I joked that I should just gain 30 lbs so I'd be eligible for gastric bypass surgery. Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy!!

And last Christmas when I brother had 3 heart attacks I decided I was going to do something about it. I had weight loss surgery on May 21st. I don't regret it for a minute. I haven't had any complications and have lost 42 pounds. I'm about half done I think. I haven't held this weight in 15 years and it feels great! The process started in February and everything - absolutely everything - fell into place perfectly - I was meant to have this done and I was meant to let it help me be the ME I'm meant to be!

So, yes - I'm ready to rejoin the world and I cannot afford to let any 'shit' contaminate my life space!

WATCH OUT WORLD - HERE I COME!

Development of Me

Things are going better-than-expected in my Develpmental Psychology class. I was having a motivation problem a few weeks ago but now that the holidays are over - I'm back in the saddle :-)

We have to do three written projects covering our own development - LifeSpan Developmental Projects. I thought that I would have a hard time with this since my life has been so convoluted, but once I started writing, it flowed - as usual.

I left out the sexual abuse that occurred when I was younger than 3 years old - not that I wasn't comfortable with revealing it - I just didn't know how  to make it fit with the theories - after all, who figures that kind of thing could happen to such a young child?

Birth to preschool turned out to be the easy part of this assignment - I even got back in touch with my half-sister Carol who had all the information about me as an infant. I found out stupid things like my Mother used to put diluted mashed potatoes and gravy into my baby bottle to shut me up :-)

This next project section is giving me more problems. It covers middle childhood and adolescence and leaving the only home I ever knew at the age of 12 is in this period and there's SO MUCH psychology involved with that event! It affected my whole life and again, I'm not sure how to fit it to the developmental theories..

Of course, I have faith that as soon as I start writing, it will flow and I'll get a  good grade as usual. I do find myself remembering things that I haven't thought about since they happened - especially stuff from the 2nd foster home (most of which I had previously blocked out) - which is kind of cool actually! I figure - you can never have too much insight into YOURSELF.

This class is really great - not only am I learning about my adolescent sons - I've learned just how much NOT resolving early psychological issues can affect the rest of your life - even though this is something I've always known and LIVED.

History in the making...

I've been reading old posts - feeling nostalgic for the learning opportunities that I have experienced.  I find that I need  reminding of how much I've changed.

So, I just read my post titled "A History of Christine".  I have to say, it's a pretty darn good story of my entire childhood (minus the graphics of abuse).  You can get a glimpse into that little girls head and perhaps see WHY she is WHO she is.  GOD! I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY!!!! More on that topic in a bit..

It's strange - In a HUGE way, I really connected to the moment right now. I just read a blog by Gaylen about "Finding Your True Self" - kind of ironic.  He says that you can't really find your "true self" - it doesn't exist. That it's  all fluid and constantly changing.

I am, at this very moment, becoming. Transforming into who'll I'll be in the morning, or who'll I'll be in 5 minutes. Everything affects everything, period. I choose to believe that there is purpose behind everything, so we are always left with the ability to CHOOSE.

I just had a "bathroom thought" - the best wisdom occurs there!  The story about me - I NEED to finish the story up until, hmmmmm, maybe the age of 30. That's not an unrealistic goal... YES I'M TALKING TO MYSELF AND THAT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL :-) .... (I am my own best life coach!)

This got me on a roll. I felt the sudden urge to visit Evil Minx - a fellow blogger and true Soul-sister. I'm about to go find out if she's ready for rescue. (gees, why does my subconscious voice tell me that those words sound arrogant and will you please tell it to shut up? - see? It never truly goes away, it just gets easier to wrestle with over time - hey! DOES THAT COUNT AS A SPORT??? :-) oh, and yes, I'm talking to myself again - but my fingers are flying!)

So, back to Minx - we have so much in common, it's kind of freaky, but you all should know that I don't consider it freaky at all...

I'll spare the details, but this is ONE COOL CHICK - I've written about her before. What's the greatest about her is that she is the first "rescue-attempt" (a thing from Burn Notice on TV) where the person would actually be aware of the changes she has already been through and see the potential for future change - and actually do it!  She is going to be just fine. I haven't seen this kind of fire and strength in anyone ever.  But, if I can make her journey and evolution a little wiser, funnier and safer, then I will have achieved my  purpose of the moment.

On a much lighter note (when I change color, I've taken a "thought-break"...

Minx has a link on her blog to take one of those quizzes that tells you what "book" you are, based on 6 questions.. http://bluepyramid.org/ia/bquiz.htm

Here's  a snippet of my results: You're The Poisonwood Bible!
Deeply rooted in a religious background, you have since become both isolated and schizophrenic. You were naively sure that your actions would help people, but of course they were resistant to your message and ultimately disaster ensued. Since you can see so many sides of the same issue, you are both wise beyond your years and tied to worthless perspectives.

How funny... Schizophrenic?? What just because I talk to myself :-)) The rest is pretty darn accurate.

My "looking for meaning" brain asks two questions of WHY I was lead here... the negative one would be if it means I'm being naive and that I really can't help people. I choose not to put faith in anything negative.  The second would be, and I much prefer this meaning, that I can help the ones that truly want to be helped.  And that I have to stop bashing my head into the wall with the ones that don't (even though I love them all dearly).

Ohhh. color change :-)  Another reason I can't believe the first scenario is, and I've written about it before, the depth at which I really feel that I am a "teaching Soul".  I could write about it a lot but words can't describe it.

I had a great thing happen concerning this... I am horribly bad at keeping in touch with people.  But when the nerve strikes... so last Sunday, I called a bunch of people and FINALLY got in touch with my friend Jim. Now there's someone who could tell you some very interesting stories about my evolution!!

So, we talk for the usual hour-and-a-half and the conversation is about just how damn happy I am to be in school!  Eventually, it turns to his schooling and his dream of being of a teacher. And then he tells me that I am meant to be a teacher.  It was a great reinforcement message that kept me "high" for awhile!

Now THIS is cool... I was flying thru Cyberspace making new friends and found another Soul-sister. A quote from her blog about self-esteem and blogging... "By publicly telling and retelling a goal oriented narrative, you can actually build a new, positive identity." ~ 'Oprah Magazine' on Blogging

And that's all the reinforcment I need.  Going to bed now.

Memories...

I've thought about this memory at least 3 times in the last 3 months so I figured I should write about it...

I was watching a show about Hitchcock and thinking of scary things. Scary things led my mind to scary events - in my life. (Don't ask me how my brain works, I just go with the flow and try to have fun!)

Now, coming from a Soul with "death by drowning" among her past lives, this is pretty damn scary.

I must have been about 9 or 10 years old. I don't know why, I don't remember, but my foster brother told me I had to go into the backyard well. He lowered me down with rope and said he'd be right back and left. I was at least 15 feet underground, standing in a few inches of water. I don't recall how long I waited for him to come back....

I screamed for what seemed like hours and until my throat was hoarse, I cried for a while, and then I disappeared. I just plain don't remember anything else. I don't remember getting out, but obviously I did. Strange the way the mind will protect you.

I used to wonder if maybe I developed multiple personalities as a result to such trauma. But I've realized, backed up by that ever so handy - "popular opinion" - that I just invented "survival" techniques. For every situation - hell- that was what my childhood was like.

And today, I've used those various techniques to evolve. If I'm in a situation where those techniques would come in handy, I'm able to see "why". And this site is called Echoes of Why, afterall :-)

Peace

what's up with this?

I'm feeling good right now and was flipping through the channels and ran across "The Boston Strangler".

I remember being 7 or 8 years old and trying desperately to stay up past midnite to watch this movie - every year - never successful.

I have been strangely obsessed with serial killers since I was that young! I remember thinking that meeting Charles Manson would be so cool - what a mind! I was 9 yrs. old.

Then I proceeded to watch the movie about the Menendez murders from 1989.

I have no idea why I have this. It used to be funny to bring a new guy over I was seeing and the first thing he sees on my bookshelf is "The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers"! Only one guy actually laughed it.

This in turn made me think of an old friend I've grown distant from - Bonnie. She and I always had the "serial killer" in common. She's a little more into it than I am - she watches Court TV a lot :)

It was really nice to talk to her on the phone. And in helping her deal with issues - I cheered myself up and reminded myself of the power I have to create my own reality.

How sweet..

My middle son just called me. He wanted to tell me that "Freaky Friday" is on at 1 pm. He knows this a movie that I enjoy.

This boy is my life's biggest challenge - but it's when he shows this kind of thoughtfulness that I realize just how wonderous he really is. And I told him so and thanked him for being a sweet kid.

WHOLE.

I just clicked on a link from the ENFJ profile - it was called "supplement".

Guess what the supplement to ENFJ is??? ENTJ!

What I used to be is the supplement to what I am now!

Whether this is truly based on just psychology or something more. I see this as saying that after 39 years of trying to "find" ME - I've become "ME" - a WHOLE person - despite everything.

YOU bring out the "general" in me...

Ok, so the last time I took the MBTI test, I was an ENTJ - the "general". As I just went back and read the descriptions for both, I realized that the ENTJ is still very much a part of me.

I've learned how to put those personality traits to work in my life. It isn't something I've lost, but something that I've incorporated into my being.

I just had the conversation with someone about the difference between doing what you're good at versus doing what makes you happy; and that they don't have to be one in the same.

I excel at ENTJ type jobs - but it's not what satisfies my Soul. And this past year has been about finding out what that is. I have daily "confirmation" that I'm heading in the right direction; and for now, I'm going with the flow.

There are people in my life currently that bring out the "general" in me. They make me argumentative but in a good way, if that makes any sense. It's like - the people that I "counsel" know the truth. It's not a challenge to make them see their own truths. But sometimes, I crave  the passion that comes from getting "in your face" - but that sounds bad....

Sometimes I feel like I just want something to really sink my teeth into ( my mind went to the gutter there!)...

Another ENFJ description..

The 2nd paragraph under "Introverted Thinking" sums me up pretty well!

---

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.

Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.

The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.

Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.

Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.

Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.