When I started this blog 14 years ago, I was FULL of questions - What is the meaning of Life? Why am I here? Why now? Why this place? What is my purpose? Why this family? Why do I have the Life that I have? How can I find peace? If I do find peace, WHY? If I don't, why NOT?
Over the years, I have been given answers & wisdom. I will always have questions because that's who I am, but the big ones answered themselves simply by living and so, I no longer ask "WHY".
These pages and random spewings chronicle the evolution of my subconscious mind, my consciousness, and more importantly, my Soul.
Now I want to share the wisdom I received from many forms of Guides, Angels and Sages. I often share such with sarcasm, humor and in-your-face brutal honesty - so be prepared - but my intentions are always pure.
My purpose here is to simply shine my light on your dark corners. It is up to YOU to either battle or dance with the shadows that are created. Either way, I accept YOU, shadows and all!
"YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DOUBT WHAT NO ONE IS SURE ABOUT". ~ Willie Wonka
If anyone ever tells you to give the 'best that you can' and then tells you that it wasn't good enough.. punch them in the face. As long as you know deep within yourself that you gave your best... you did what they asked.
think that humans were better off as cavemen. Where grunts and groans
got the message across. NO room for personal perception. NO room for
personal interpretation. NO room for "what does the other
person mean by that?".
It was SO FUCKING SIMPLE!
CAN IT PLEASE BE AGAIN????!!!
At times I wonder if technology will be the downfall of humans.
Everyone is SO engrossed with their smart phones and Facebook and
Twitter and Pinterest (or whatever).
As if humans never communicated with one another without pictures or "likes" or "pins" or "status updates".
Communication these days is a tricky thing. We text and email and Facebook but something gets lost along the way.
There is no body language, no voice inflection, no facial expression.
What there IS is a whole lot of room for "interpretation" and misunderstanding.
I have had even my closest friends ask, "what did you mean by that?" or "were you referring to me (in that post)?".
Being human is complicated enough already! We don't need to create more ways to screw up communicating but it seems that is what technology is doing.
I think that we are devolving instead of evolving when it comes to human relationships and interaction and it makes me scared for the future.
It's been SO long. I have paid the monthly fee to keep this blog alive for so long,and at times I wonder 'why'.. I know I have a problem with letting go.
But for some reason I think my past journey in writing 'might' help someone. Even ONE person would be enough.. I've received affirmation that it has. I've been told that what I have to say matters. That is enough for me to keep this alive.
The category of this post pretty much sums up the last handful of years.. WTF?! How did so much time go by?.. while I was busy raising kids, trying to earn a living, trying to find my Soul mate, trying to freely give my gifts...
I guess it's true about time flying..
Regardless... not "irregardless" mind you... I am WHERE and WHO and HOW and WHY.. I AM.
I'm just trying to survive being human. Learning and growing each day.. that's all I wish for every other human being..
I'm comfortable. This probably means I'm about to experience a Category 5 hurricane..
Last night was amazing! I spent the evening at the boyfriend’s house – he cooked dinner, we drank, we started out watching another Peter Gabriel concert DVD but I came to the realization that he finds his inspiration visually but for me it comes from listening. I tried to watch, really I did – but words that Paula Cole was singing were “speaking” to me so all I wanted to do was close my eyes and listen to the lyrics. Of course, I had to go look them up - and boy did I find inspiration – yep – the words were perfect for me at that moment (highlighted in red) – check some of the lyrics of the song “Shaking the Tree”:
Waiting your time, dreaming of a better life Waiting your time, you're more than just a wife You don't want to do what your mother has done She has done This is your life, this new life has begun It's your day - a woman's day It's your day - a woman's day
Turning the tide, you are on the incoming wave Turning the tide, you know you are nobody's slave Find your Brothers and sisters Who can hear all the truth in what you say They can support you when you're on your way It's your day - a woman's day It's your day - a woman's day
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin' the tree
There's nothing to gain when there's nothing to be lost There's nothing to gain if you stay behind and count the cost Make the decision that you can be who you can be You can be Tasting the fruit come to the Liberty Tree It's your day - a woman's day It's your day - a woman's day
Changing your ways, changing those surrounding you Changing your ways, more than any man can do Open your heart, show him the anger and pain, so you heal Maybe he's looking for his womanly side, let him feel
You had to be so strong And you do nothing wrong Nothing wrong at all We're gonna to break it down
We have to shake it down Shake it all around
This was simple confirmation that I am in exactly the right place that I am supposed to be. That I have attracted people into my life that will support me as I follow my bliss and fulfill my Soul’s purpose – that they will learn from me and I from them. Pretty damn cool!
After this, I put on some of the songs that I’ve been listening to lately: sappy-ass love songs mostly. I had this whole scene worked out in my head about how I was going to communicate everything that I feel for him through these songs – but I had no idea how I was going to make that happen. But – as usual, it happened naturally and it was better than anything I could have ever imagined or planned! The lyrics spoke for us and to us and we bonded and danced around the living room. He even got blubbery and I kissed his tears. I asked him why he loved me and I got the most beautiful response: “Because you’re so easy – easy to be ME with” – way to make my heart melt!! I told him the same thing – I love him because of who he makes me BE! He told me he has never had anyone in his life that has accepted him unconditionally – and that it's AMAZING!
It has taken years for me to destroy the layers of concrete surrounding my heart – for a long time I didn’t think I was capable of being “warm & fuzzy” (even though other people told me I was). With him, for the first time ever, I feel FREE – free to be ME – free to give myself and my love completely and unconditionally.
Yes, we’ve only been seeing each other for 7 weeks – but this is not rushing, this is flowing. This is not unhealthy. This is so completely different than anything I have ever experienced before. I’ve waited a lifetime for this and it is so refreshing to NOT look for reasons to push him away or look for things that I can’t tolerate. For the first time since I began my shadow work and discovered that I had been living my life from a place of subconscious damage, I am actually comfortable with vulnerability – and THAT is fucking amazing!
I want to tell everyone that will listen that God gives us exactly what we need to evolve – in order to feel inspired enough to follow our bliss. The lessons are right in front of us – we just have to learn to acknowledge them and use the wisdom that is offered!
Another lesson he has for me – “teach, don’t preach” – he said this as I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone, reading those lyrics to her and started going on about what lessons she needs to learn.
At first, I think I got a little defensive when he said that because preaching is what I do – at least with friends – she even said “some people need preaching”. But then I tried to push ego aside and reminded myself that I do need to remember that everyone learns differently and I cannot use the same approach with everyone. If I hope to be an effective counselor/coach some day, I have to remember this – but for right now, I am attracting students that respond to me being a drill-sergeant – which is pretty cool because it is kindling a passion in me. When I see people “get” what I’m saying – when they have an “AHA” moment – it is a high I cannot describe. And it’s highly addictive!
WOOHOO! WHAT A RIDE! THANK YOU!
How cool is it that my boyfriend has inspirational scribbling & reminders on the wall of his computer room? I wanted to write on it too – I wrote, “THANK YOU! EVERYTHING – everything that I have at this exact moment is EXACTLY what I need – THANK YOU!”
Life just keeps getting better & better!
____ 5 minutes later: _____________
HOLY SHIT! I just had an “AHA” moment! Synchronicity at work, as usual:
I just finished typing the post above; I was going to reboot the PC so I had to close all my open programs. I maximized the word document of my Enneagram Compatibilities from Thursday night’s research. I started reading it and found this particular passage (God saying, well DUH!!! ):
“The basic emphasis of both types is distinctly different, however, with Twos being primarily interested in the welfare of others while Eights tend to be interested in their physical wellbeing and in having a distinct impact on their world, often with beneficial fallout for others.”
This is EXACTLY what I was saying to Sonya on the phone about those song lyrics! That it is all about ME – my purpose, my journey, my evolution and my divinity! And, as Mary tried to teach me last summer, that’s not a BAD thing! (Mary was a definite “reason” teacher, not a season or a lifetime – but what a great teacher!)
I told Sonya that it’s not a bad thing (and reminding myself) because the people around me get to learn, not only FROM me but sometimes WITH me, and that fulfills my purpose in some twisted fashion, if that makes any sense at all.
I was waundering around and stumbled upon a website for MySpace comments that is called "Fuck the Fake" - here's an example:
So I had to check it out - I don't like the quote too much but it rings true to my current mantra:"DO IT TRUE!"
That mantra was courtesy of the movie "The Banger Sisters" - love that movie! Goldie Hawns character is so ME! Well, except for the fake boobs - LOL!
So why this mantra at this moment? I've had a new guy in my life for the last 3 weeks and in the last 10 days or so, I've noticed "psycho moments" in my thinking patterns where I am "wondering" if I should do something or say something.
I HATE THAT!! And I will not tolerate that thinking pattern! I'm angry at myself for still having it, but yet, I embrace it too because it reminds me what I used to be like.
The most recent "psycho moment" I called my friend Sonya and told her to please please repeat this mantra to me so that I will just DO whatever the fuck it is that I want to but am concerned about what he will think of me. Just talking to her empowered me enough to just do it. Which also entailed me telling him all about the "psycho moment" and he said he gets it. I'm even going to enlist his help (Spiritual Succubus, remember?)!
When we first re-connected, we made the agreement that, no matter what, we will always say what we are thinking - without wondering if we should or not! HOW COOL IS THAT?
He actually pushed me that night - he knew I wanted to say something but stopped myself and he forced me to - and guess what? The fucking world didn't come crashing down around me AND he's still around! HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT??
I officially have a bachelor's degree! And with a 4.0 GPA too!! I was really concerned about this last class but shouldn't have been, as usual. It only took me 20 years - considering I should have had this degree by the time I was 22 - if I hadn't gotten married instead! Oh well, everything in the proper time!
Now I can truly celebrate this weekend! And it's Halloween, which I just love!
I've got so many projects to complete that I've been putting off for 2 years. I also have an interesting man in my life these days - completely unexpected but very much welcomed! I did an Angel Guide reading tonite and it said that this is the time for me to revel in my sensuality, to stop feeling guilty about being naughty and to celebrate life and being ME!!That's nice to get confirmation on but it's not like I needed told to do that :-)
Now that I have more free time, I plan on writing a lot more too!
I just about had a panic attack over my last final. I just got the grade. I only needed a 145/180 to keep a 93% in the class. I got a 180!! I don't even want to think about school or books or reading for 2 weeks!
UGH! I hate feeling stressed out! This is not a state of mind I feel very often - but it's final's week and my one class is driving me INSANE!! The assigned discussion questions have never matched the reading assignments, the book is 13 years old, and the final project just plain SUCKS! I'm supposed to pretend I'm a forensic psychologist starting a behavioral sciences department in a police department - from scratch. Yeah, right!
I danced yesterday - for fun - for ME. It was so much fun. I hadn't really done The Hustle or The Samba for many years - especially just for fun. Halfway thru the Hustle - I got a horrible spasm in my hip flexor. It is killing me now and I'm limping - but it was SO worth it!
I even got to see Helen P. who ALWAYS knew how to give the perfect back-handed compliment like, "you're so pretty if only you were skinnier"! I looked great, I walked with confidence and I watched the last part of her dance lesson. Ok - the bitch is coming out... I thought it utterly ridiculous for an old lady to try to act sexy and sultry.
And then when I was doing my West Coast Swing with her watching - I played sexy with my partner - for the first time ever. The Naughty Little Minx came out and Helen P. actually gave me a real compliment on my style. How freakin' great was that??
It's going to be a lot of fun to get back out into the dance community as The New ME!
I couldn't wait to get my second tattoo so I used some of my tax refund and got the best damn phoenix ever! In the colors I wanted and the tattoo artist kept me laughing for just under 3 hours! It's not seeping or scabbing -it's beautiful!
GEMINI May 22 - June 21 Ruling Planet: MERCURY The swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of ultra-extreme raunchy talk.
Talking about sex is Gemini's favourite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for. They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.
FAVE POSITION As long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.
BEST SEX TOY Any illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas.
GEMINI MALE IN BED He likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He's a lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.
GEMINI FEMALE IN BED She is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possiblefor her. She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a car.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINI Focus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine! Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two yelps, then you know you're doing something right. Then, move onto the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one working!
So eHarmony was having a free communication weekend. I did it - just to see if they had any matches for me at all (6 years ago they didn't have any!). Although that particular "door of life" is not one I'm sure I want to be knocking on at this particular moment in my journey. I have to remind myself that it's out of my control really. If it's meant to be, it will flow naturally and just happen. If I try to reach for it or manipulate it into something I think I want - the door will slam and it will be obvious.
Reminds me of the last time I did the online dating thing and the guy turned out to be a pathological liar! Talk about a brick over the head message to wake me the fuck up! Every single time "I" went looking - I scraped scum from the bottom of the proverbial barrel!! Not even kidding. How about the one that claimed to be the drummer from the band Great White and played me two songs that he said he recorded when they were actually recorded by Joey Lawrence. HOW DARE HE STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S ART! This was after he faked letters from pretend groupies, autographs from famous bandmates, and showing off his video of when he was on Jerry Springer - I shit you not! And he had the balls to tell me I was too fat for him (didn't stop him from enjoying the toturous blow/hand job I gave him)!!!
Anyhow....eHarmony still didn't find me any matches - which didn't surprise me with only 3% of the world being compatible with me. BUT - they do "flexible" matching which relaxes their "rules" a bit. To my surprise - I'm finding men that really know how to write what they feel. Some have a true gift for getting their point across in such a way that it makes you understand them instantly - at least from a psychological and perhaps a spiritual aspect.
You may have noticed that this post is a little more vulgar than I've ever been. It's a new year - I'm done compartmentalizing myself. This is the spiritual side of me... this is the sexual side of me... this is the mother part of me... UGH! It's making my head explode! I've decided that starting now - I'm going to be me (although 62lbs lighter). I can be a whole bunch of different roles - but I am going to stop pretending the others don't exist or putting them on hold. I AM ME - 100%. If you don't like it - so skin off my big nose.
First, this year I'm spending Halloween in Myrtle Beach with my boys. It's going to be so much fun!
I have always loved Halloween and this year I've decided to get back to something I haven't done in years - theatrical horror makeup. In 1990, my costume was Merlin and with the help of liquid latex, cotton balls and makeup - I looked like I was 200 years old! In 1994, I was a wicked witch and the warts, scars and gaping wounds on my green face scared the crap out of the 4 year olds when I picked up my son from daycare!
This year I plan on doing these neat tricks (can't wait to try liquid latex and bread crumbs!) on my 2 older sons. And I found the absolute best website for accessories:Woochie
My turn to rant and rave - but for a very good reason.
I work night shift. This morning my cell phone would not quit ringing. In my drug-induced stupor I just kept hitting the "ignore" button and not even opening my eyes. After about the 5th call I woke up enough to look and see that it was my oldest son (16). I answered. (my kids know that's the best way to wake me up.)
Keep in mind that I live in a pretty small town in Lake County, Ohio where not much exciting ever happens....
He proceeds to tell me that the school is on "lockdown" and that there are about 50 cops with M-17 automatic rifles, the FBI AND the SWAT team at his high school. I'M AWAKE NOW!!
He said some kids brought a loaded handgun to school and fired 2 shots. That's all he knew at this point. It happened at 9:30am and it was now 10:15 and they were just releasing students. Alex had taken my car and drove his younger brother to school - but Alex couldn't find his brother because there were 1500 kids on the school lawn!!! I told him to come home and Corey would ride the bus or call us.
Of course, it was all over the news and I didn't get back to sleep until after 5pm (on my 8th nightshift in a row too!).
Turns out the kids, a 10th grader, had told his friends online that he was going to bring a gun to school (they thought he was kidding). He fired one shot into a trophy case adn another into the ceiling. Alex heard both of these. A teacher yelled, "he's got a gun" and the principal and vice-principal confronted the kid who then pointed the gun at his own head. They talked him down (I can't imagine the bravery that took) and he was arrested without anyone getting hurt, thank God.
My son described what it was like when the school got locked down - teachers moved all students to the back of their room away from windows and the door. I would hate to be the kids in the front of that huddle - could you imagine how scary?
So the school is going to have extra police present for the rest of the week. We don't know much more about the 10th grader or what his intentions were but they did find 33 rounds of ammunition in his backpack that he was wearing at the time. A friend of my son's who knows this kid said he has always collected guns and even has pictures of guns all over his MySpace page.. My question is...
WTF is wrong with this kid's parents???????? Personally, I think they should be held responsible for all damage to the school - inside and outside from 1500 kids tromping the grass - and the cost of the SWAT team and the FBI and the extra police for the whole week!
Like I said, "some parents should have been sterilized"!!
I and my two oldest sons are taking a parenting class called The Parent Project. It is taught by the Lake County Juvenile Court System. I need all the tools possible to handle raising 3 boys as a single mother!
While the parents are in their class, the children are in a class with Probation Officers and Counselors. Yesterday's class was about teenage drug and alcohol use. This poem was read to the children. When my middle son let me read it, I cried. I hope the kids had the same reaction!
"Quentin Tarantino says he was a black slave in a previous life. The director says he was introduced to the Buddhist concept of reincarnation by his occasional muse, actress Uma Thurman, and has come to discover he has had at least three previous lives, one Chinese, one Japanese, and on as 'a black slave in America'. Asked how he knows this, Tarantino says, 'I've got nothing I could say that would not make me sound like a horse's ass,' adding, 'It's just a feeling. A knowing'"
Yeah - that's a great description - a "knowing" - I also know I was a black slave as well as an Egyptian, a Native American and a few others. Just a "knowing".
I have found the ONE reason (perhaps the only reason) that I LOVE living in CLEVELAND, OHIO....
Last night I attended the show "It's Only Rock and Roll" at Cleveland Public Hall.
This is a concert event held by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum to benefit their Education Fund. Table on the floor cost $1000 but balcony seating only cost $10 per ticket.
Where else could you see 9 acts/groups for $10???
The House Band is absolutely awesome. They are comprised of:
Liberty DeVitto (Billy Joel) Will Lee (The David Letterman Show) Jeff Carlisi (.38 Special) Ricky Byrd (Joan Jett) Rob Arthur (Peter Frampton, Joan Osborne)
and last night - Paul Schaffer from The Letterman Show on keyboards!! (He's a big Rock Hall contributor)
Generally, I don't care for live bands, but these guys were amazing! They played two songs and the acts started...
2007 Rock and Roll of Hall of Fame inductee Ronnie Spector of the Ronettes - sang (“Be My Baby,” “Walking in the Rain”) Billy Squier (“The Stroke,” “Everybody Wants You") Mitch Ryder ("Devil with the Blue Dress On,” “Sock it to me Baby") Tone Loc - (“Wild Thing,” “Funky Cold Medina”) Deniece Williams (“Too Much, Too Little, Too Late,” “Let’s Hear it For the Boy”) Dr. Hook (“Sylvia’s Mother”, “The Cover the Rolling Stone”) A Taste of Honey (“Boogie, Oogie, Oogie,” “Sukiyaki”) Tom Cochrane (“Life is a Highway,” “Lunatic Fringe") Russell Tompkins, Jr. from The Stylistics.
I wanted to go to this event especially to see Dr. Hook and Billy Squier. I've wanted to see Dr. Hook since I was 8 years old and Billy Squier brings back some of the only enjoyable memories from my miserable teenage years.
Everyone sang at least 2 songs and they were amazing!
Since the tickets were so cheap I bought two and I took my 8 year old son with me. It was a thouroughly enjoyable night out for me - something I've needed desperately with all the stress I've been under the last few weeks!
THANK YOU CLEVELAND!! (But I still want to move to Phoenix!)
Crystalinks Metaphysical and Science Website Ellie is the founder, author, webmaster, and creative artist behind this extraordinary one-of-a-kind website, Crystalinks. Simply put, Crystalinks is perhaps the largest, most comprehensive metaphysical and science website on the Internet today, averaging an amazing one million + hits per day.
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