Thursday night at work, I was going thru the list of patients having bloodwork the next morning and recognized the name of my first foster mother. She was anemic and needed transfusions. I drew her blood at 5am and she recognized me when I said "hi". I had talked to her on the phone last summer but I had not seen her since 1991.
I've recently written about wanting to visit her and her husband to thank them for all they did for me as a little girl. And to tell her that I finally understand myself and what she was dealing with. And that, more than anything, I wouldn't change one single, solitary thing about my life. My old counselor thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons but I truly do not feel there are any subconscious motivations here (and I'm pretty good at recognizing those). Me being me, I procrastinated about contacting her even after having a dream that I wouldn't get the chance. Thankfully, the chance fell into my lap.
I told her that I would stop in and visit before I started work Saturday night. I did and we had a nice talk. She thought it was funny to tell the nurse in the room that as a 3 year old I used to go up to men and list my skirt and ask for money! Gee, I learned a lot from my birth parents ;-) I remember doing that too - especially for pennies to put in the gumball machines!
We laughed about that one. We chatted about night shift, I told her I mostly do homework and that I am in school to be a Psychologist. She said "oh good, they need them out there" - meaning the kids who are in the foster care system. I'm still not sure I want to work with the kids though - that direction has yet to be determined.
She told me that I always gave the teachers a hard time in school. I told her that hasn't changed one bit! I told her to thank her husband for doing math flashcards with me every night and how that instilled a love of math. And that my brain was the only positive piece of self esteem I had as a child and I said 'thanks' for nurturing that. I also told her exactly how smart I am and she said my problem when I was a child was that I was too damn smart for my own good. I told her that my mouth always got me into trouble and it still does!
I told her I wished I had stuck with all the dance lessons she gave me as a kid. That it took ballroom dancing lessons in 1995 for me to discover just how huge a part dance plays in my life. That is literally changed my world. I told her I teach and I love it.
I told her that I was sorry I was such a messed up kid - that I wished "they" had known about childhood depression back then. I explained how it took me until the age of 30 to realize who I was and what makes me happy. And that I'm happier than I ever imagined possible. I showed her pictures of the boys.
We talked a bit about my birth family and her kids. She was missing her granddaughter's wedding reception as we spoke. I am off work today, but if she is still in-house tomorrow, I will stop in and see her.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to express my gratitude to her. I feel truly at peace with that part of my life. In a way, this opportunity allowed me to thank God for giving me that part of my life. I truly believe it happened just as it should have.