I've always said this - and I think that a big part of that is the fact that the bathroom is where I can talk to myself in the mirror - and it's impossible to lie. Brutal honest truth.
So, just now - I was completely honest with myself about why I feel like I do right now. And why I'm going through what I am. Here's what I said:
"Truth be told, there's still a part of you that longs for people's approval. There's still a deep 'need' to impress people."
To which I responded:
"I understand that part. Consciously, logically, psychologically - I understand that part of me - but I FUCKING hate it! I've worked too hard to "emerge" on the other side of low self-esteem, there's a HUGE part of me screaming, "YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO IMPRESS PEOPLE OR GAIN THEIR ACCEPTANCE BECAUSE YOU DO IT NATURALLY!!!!"
I understand that it's just the damaged little girl who had her ego so scarred , she will never truly recover. But I"ll be damned if I'm destined to repeat the same old, tired mistakes! At least now, I can see them coming before I react - probably badly.
And this brings me to what will become my doctoral thesis, in one form or another...
Programming - psychological programming - just how deep does it go? Do those motivations ever truly go away? Does the age that the damage happen matter? Does one incident of damage early in life open a person up for more damage later? This goes hand-in-hand with the whole "cult" phenomenon. Probably why I've been obsessed with Charlie Manson my entire life!
Most of what I'm feeling right now is coming from that part of me - and I AM going to blame it on hormones. It's the 16th day of not being on The Pill!!