This weekend has been my first opportunity for "ME" time. I've spent last night and today connecting with the Universe - looking for direction.
A lot has happened in the past 4 months. I've avoided writing about it but now I can't.
Recall that the Universe always finds a way to give you the answers you seek - and it knows exactly the best way in which to do that. For me, I watch movies so I get my answers (and sometimes a lot of questions) through "messages" from the movies - I know, it sounds schizoid - but it's really metaphysical.
So anyway, in the past I've always known by movie #2 in a sitting that something is going to "speak" to me because both the first and second movies will have a common actor (or two) - completely not planned on my part - I could care less who's in a movie really.
One of my favorite movies is "13 going on 30" - in that movie I was 'directed' to the song by Billy Joel "Vienna" - I think I've written about how significant those lyrics and the meaning has become in my life.
Today, my first movie was "The Darwin Awards". I had no idea what it was even about when I popped it in. In one of the first scenes, there's a song playing with lyrics such as "I wanna change. You know who you are". So I got up and Googled the soundtrack for the movie and GUESSwhat song is on there!! YEP - "Vienna" by Billy Joel.
So, yes it could be a coincidence that I watch sappy, change-your-life movies and that's a common song about that theme. But I chose to NOT believe in coincidence and that choice has benefited me immensely in my recent life. Do not ignore your intuition - EVER! It really is a gift.
Now onto the reason that the song lyrics touched me. I've just recently learned that old demons I had long laid to rest have really only been in hiding. It's really only one issue but it's a big one and I will NOT let it control me ever again! Thus the "seeking" for answers and strength.
What issue, you ask? That would be low self-esteem. Something I felt I had conquered this monster but I'm now wondering if it's really ever able to be conquered - to be completely vanquished. After all, it took a lifetime of shit to form the irrational way of thinking, why wouldn't it be strong? Yes, you can break bad habits and behaviors - and I've done that for sure. But it really surprised me when I found myself feeling anxious when I thought about re-joining the world and getting a social life again.
(My doctoral thesis is going to deal with how deep this programming can be in the subconscious mind and how and IF we can ever truly get rid of it completely.)
I've pretty much been in seclusion for the past 2-3 years. Prior to that, I had been for another 2 years. In 2005, I came out of my hole for one year then slowly lost contact with friends and acquaintances and pretty much went back into my hole. It's not like I haven't been living - I'm back in school, still work mostly night shift at the hospital and spend a great deal of time online with friends. I also raise 3 sons and still run the business. I just haven't been out in a social setting around strangers for a long time (toy parties are different because I'm in charge). So, the question became the song lyrics from "Vienna" - "well, if you're so smart, tell me why are still so afraid?
My conclusion is that it's still hard to get rid of that little girl inside that needs everyone's approval and acceptance. I would never label myself with low self-esteem. I have pretty healthy self-esteem actually and even more so now. I would never live my life based on what someone else wanted me to be or do! EVER! So it really threw me for a loop when I realized this part of my subconscious wants back in to make conscious choices based on irrational thoughts.
And finally, why has all this surfaced now? Because for the past 5 years, I've laid on my couch, eaten and gained weight. 3 years I ago I joked that I should just gain 30 lbs so I'd be eligible for gastric bypass surgery. Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy!!
And last Christmas when I brother had 3 heart attacks I decided I was going to do something about it. I had weight loss surgery on May 21st. I don't regret it for a minute. I haven't had any complications and have lost 42 pounds. I'm about half done I think. I haven't held this weight in 15 years and it feels great! The process started in February and everything - absolutely everything - fell into place perfectly - I was meant to have this done and I was meant to let it help me be the ME I'm meant to be!
So, yes - I'm ready to rejoin the world and I cannot afford to let any 'shit' contaminate my life space!
WATCH OUT WORLD - HERE I COME!