I just happened to run across John Edward on TV tonite. There have been more than a few references to him this past 2 weeks. And a commercial for a show about 4 boys studying to be priests. An e-mail from the "Become a Life Coach" people. Email communication with a minister. An episode of Biography about Chris Farley - low self-esteem and addictive personality.
Today starts with getting my messages for my home phone, which I rarely do. The first message was from my first foster mother. I had sent a Christmas card with a note stating that I'd like to bring my kids out to the house where I grew up. Now that it's finally going to happen - I'm questioning my motives. Is going back really for that reason? Or is it just me - needing closure and not wanting to let go.
My heart wants to thank them. For all the little things.. doing math flashcards with me, dumb things like that..and for the big things. My ego? wants to tell them how amazing life is and tell them a bit about my journey. And I think my subconscious little girl? wants to tell them how they could have helped back then. But that's a fairly easy one to argue. I KNOW that everything happens just as it should. That I needed to experience everything - every horror, every joy - in order to become who I am today and to learn the lessons that I needed to.
I want to tell them all about what traits my 3 boys inherited - good and bad. That should get more than a couple laughs!
I returned her call and left a message. Why was I so nervous? Is it still that little girl that wants to get everyone's approval in order to be loved? Eric once said to me that I always seems like I'm trying to "measure up". I argued with him of course! But I wonder if you truly ever get rid of your subconscious scars. Even though you're aware of the behaviors that feed them, you still function from there sometimes. But is it necessarily unhealthy? I do keep repeating to myself, "how does it affect the rest of your life?". That keeps me grounded at least.
The past - Easter weekend 4 years ago I thought my life was over. It was my lowest moment. And God, how far I've come. I'm thinking of copying that whole saga, straight from my journals, into this blog. That should make me laugh!